Time to dust off the ole' confidence

Time to Dust Off the ‘Ole Confidence

Posted by Kelli on March 4, 2010

Sloan-Tia_hands[1] I came out of college determined that I was the next big thing. I was full of courageous ambition and brimming with confidence that I could and would accomplish every dream written down in my spiral notebook. I would publish a minimum of three books before age 30 (it had to be before 30 because to a 22 year old 30 is ancient…). I would become a well known and respected editor in the publishing arena. I would be invited to speak publicly and would be hailed as an up-and-comer.

I got married straight out of college, which I felt set me up for even greater success since I could be a starving artist without actually, you know…starving. My husband brought home the big bucks (35 grand a year baby, we were rolling in the dough!) and I supplemented our income by ghostwriting, editing and coaching gymnastics. We were livin’ on love and lovin’ every minute of it.

Then came the big break. A book deal. A co-authorship. Yeah! I was only 23, which meant I was totally on my way. I was so confident in my ability to become a bestselling author that I started a second book before even finishing the first. It was non-fiction and it was brilliant in my ever so humble opinion.

Then I got pregnant. No big deal, though, because now I was going to have it all. Success, notoriety and a bouncing babe – further proof that I was superwoman.

But then the rejection came. And it hit hard. I knew it would come, but not in the form in which it came. And it completely knocked me flat on my behind. With my bouncing babe on my knee, I suddenly found myself questioning my ability to accomplish any project at all. In fact, I questioned my ability to write. Maybe I wasn’t actually that talented.

I was also unprepared for how much time infants took. You mean they don’t simply eat, sleep and coo? Wha?!?! And this caused me to question not only my ability to write, but my drive to get anything done at all. I became entrenched in self-doubt and completely lost site of all the goals that once took up the forefront of my thoughts.

A few years and a few babies later, I found myself accepting the fact that I would not accomplish my goals. I hit the big 3-0 and felt like an utter failure. My dreams were not realized, my goals were not accomplished and I was old..er.

What it boils down to is this: I had sold myself short. Very, very short.

Of course, I had complete confidence in my ability to be a wife and mother. I was am good at being a mom. Really, really good at it. Some days I’m better than others (like the days when I don’t forget to pick my son up from school) but for the most part, I know exactly who I am, and what I am doing, as the person “Mom.”

But there is still that other part of me – the ambitious part – who longs to attack projects with gusto and the confident realization that not only will I finish them, but I’ll finish them well. And with age comes a bit of wisdom, thank heavens! I realize now that I am *gulp* in my thirties, a bit of humility goes a long way toward accomplishment. I also realize that success is not measured in dollars or recognition or age. Those are qualities that perhaps I didn’t possess back when I was but a young’n. I also realize that an attitude of defeatism is no way to live my life.

So I wondered, am I the only person who experienced a bit of an identity crisis when parenthood settled in? Am I the only mother who lost her confidence? Am I the only one who sometimes feels guilty that I have dreams and desires outside of being the best mother that I can be?

The answer to all those questions is a resounding No!

Parenthood can be an identity crisis in and of itself. Suddenly you’re no longer known as Kelli or Tom or Sarah or Julie – You’re known as Sloan’s mom, Andrew’s dad and so on…You get a new identity – and it’s great! It’s fantastic. I love being a mother. But I also want to be me. Because the me that was me before the me that was mom had some great things to offer.

Did you get that?

Upon doing a bit of research (read: I consulted Dr. Google who is a popular physician/psychiatrist, though admittedly not always the most reliable), I uncovered a few tips to rediscovering the confident you and realizing a few of the dreams of your youth.

First, don’t compare yourself to anyone else. We’ve all heard it, but the fact is there will always be someone that we simply can’t measure up to. There is nothing wrong with having a standard to attain to, but once you start comparing yourself, you’ll most likely always lose the battle.

Second, recognize your gifts and talents and don’t be embarrased or ashamed of them. This is perhaps one of my biggest struggles. Don’t hold yourself back and don’t sell yourself short.

Third, set goals and make them realistic. Parenting takes time and energy. Whatever professional or life goals you set have to fit within the confines of the responsibilities that are already set before you. That said, with a little bit of discipline you can still do amazing things and have dinner on the table every day, or most days anyway. Once a week for sure…

Finally, believe in yourself. This is, perhaps, the most important thing to remember when you are setting out to revive your self confidence. And this, I am learning, will be the most impactful on your children. By watching you, they will learn to believe in themselves, to chase their own dreams and to never let the difficult circumstances of life stop them from doing that which they love.

And at the end of the day, when you look in the mirror may you find peace, contentment and confidence as you recognize the youthful you of old.