You’ve just learned of your friend’s miscarriage. Your heart aches for her. You struggle to convey a message of comfort and support. But you might not know what to say.

No matter how much time has elapsed, a miscarriage is a loss and an experience no woman forgets.

“I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. It was devastating. I felt like you spend so much time TRYING NOT TO HAVE KIDS that when you are ready, and nature throws you a curve, you feel like something’s wrong with you,” says Lynn Zipfel Venhaus of Belleville, Ill.

Since many people don’t know what to say, some simply avoid addressing the issue. For some women, this is helpful. For others, hurtful.  

Lisa Breen of Ballwin, Mo miscarried three years ago. She thinks how you acknowledge the issue (or not) differs by individual.

“I think the mystery around what to say is really dependent on the needs of the individual person. I am not a private person, so I was ok with people knowing about it or talking about it. So for me it was strange when people did not acknowledge it. A simple, ‘sorry to hear about your loss’ would have sufficed. However, I have known some girls who do not want to discuss it at all,” she says.

I’ve had two miscarriages in the past 8 years. (I wrote about it here.)  From personal experience, I hated hearing, “It’s God’s will.” You never know what a person’s religious convictions are. Plus, the message can come across off-handed or if someone’s trying to glide over the woman’s pain. Another well-meaning message that falls flat? “Well it’s for the best. The baby must not have been very healthy.” That implies no one would want a baby that isn’t perfect. Plus, it doesn’t make the loss any easier to bare.

Stacey a mother in Illinois, heard these sentiments too. “The worst was ‘You just have to move on. There’s always a reason when this happens’ and ‘It’ll happen.’

So the right thing to often say? In most cases, the message is simple. “I’m thinking of you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

For many women, it helps to hear from others who have been through the same heartbreak.

“I wanted to talk to others who had been through it, I liked the comfort of someone else knowing what I went through. I wish those people would have come forward when it happened. One friend did and I was very grateful,”  Lisa Breen adds.

Stacey agrees, “The people who were honest and offered advice after actually going through this were the best. They said it sucked and it was the worst thing that has EVER happened. They are exactly right!”

Have you been through a miscarriage. What words comforted you?