I remember the first time I heard about how babies were made. I was at a neighbor’s party with my family. While the adults hung out inside, we kids played outside. Jordan, a girl I’d never met until that day (and haven’t seen since), dropped the bombshell about sex and Santa Claus.

While the Santa Claus revelation made sense. The act of intercourse did not. Days later, I decided to approach my mom while she was ironing even though the topic of sex was a taboo subject at our house. (The only thing my parents ever said about sex was that it was a sin before marriage.) But I had been utterly clueless. My curiosity was overwhelming.

“You know someone told me the weirdest story about what sex was, puberty and how babies come out.” I laughed nervously. I repeated everything I’d been told. It took some time. Jordan had a flare for the dramatic and had been very thorough.

“So is it true?” I’d carefully watched my mom’s reaction as I’d talked. She didn’t lift her gaze from the ironing board. Painfully embarrassed, she quietly said, “yes” and kept ironing.

I walked away shocked and horrified. That’s how I came into existence? That was what sex was? It sounded really disgusting. And I couldn’t figure out why on earth anyone would consider that fun. I don’t think I could look my parents (or any one with children for that matter) in the eye for a few years.

Maybe one of your parents sat you down to nervously give you “the birds and the bees” talk. Maybe your sex education came from others like your friends or some kid on your morning bus route. Either way, experts agree children need to get their facts from their parents not their playmates.

Having ‘the talk’ can serve you and your child well. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psyschiatry,“Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.”

But the fact of the matter is that many parents don’t know how old kids should be when they impart such knowledge or even how to begin the conversation. I spoke with some St. Louis area parents who’ve already had the talk and were willing to share a few pointers:

Don’t give them all of the info at once.

According to Children Now, “teaching your children about sex demands a gentle, continuous flow of information that should begin as early as possible.”

Dana of Ballwin, Mo began doing just that with her children, ages nine and 11. “I started talking with the kids by talking about body parts. Whenever they asked I always answered their questions starting out with the simple answer to see if they asked more,” she says.

Find out what they know.  Have an idea as to what they are ready to hear.

Sometimes figuring out what information they’ve already gotten is tricky. You can ask them directly or get a bit more creative. “The best way to find out for girls is to have a slumber party and listen in,” says the ever resourceful Dana. ”I know that’s really bad but yes I did it!  What a eye opener it was!  That is what prompted me to have the talk.”

As for what to tell them and when? Gauge your child’s maturity level. Younger children are ready to learn lessons about how people’s bodies belong to themselves and the correct names for reproductive organs, whereas kids between age of eight and 12 need to know about issues like puberty changes, menstration and wet dreams.

Planned Parenthood has a great article that can help you with this issue here.  

Conversations that tend to crop up organically work best.

Melissa of Beckemeyer, IL has always been very open with her 15-year old daughter, Chelsea. “I let Chels bring up those subjects. For example, if she asks who was the first boy I liked and/or kissed, how old was I and such.  It just kind of opens the door to the conversations.  But it is important to just answer the questions.” 

If your child doesn’t ask alot of questions, you can take your cue from daily life. Melissa notes, ”Chels and I started watching programs together on ABC Family like Secret Life of an American Teenager, 10 things I hate about you (the series) and Make it or Break it last year. This season on secret life they can’t get through 2 sentences without mentioning sex.”

A sense of humor can go a long way.

Parents feel awkward talking about sex. Kids feel awkward too. The topic doesn’t have to be approached with a somber tone. During the commercials of the shows Melissa watches with her daughter, the message they stress is ”to talk to your kids about sex but just because they ask, don’t assume they are doing it,” says Melissa. ”It started out as a joke that I would ask Chels if she had any questions about sex during every episode and she’d laugh and say no. It lightens the mood though and she knows that she could ask.”

Help them realize how sex fits into the overall picture of their life.

Talk about how sex fits into the context of dating and relationships. According to Children Now, “One aspect that many parents overlook when discussing sex with their child is dating. As opposed to movies, where two people meet and later end up in bed together, in real life there is time to get to know each other—time to hold hands, go bowling, see a movie, or just talk. Children need to know that this is an important part of a caring relationship.”

 Melissa has taken care to discuss relationships as well as the consequences and responsibilities of being active sexually with her daughter. “We have talked about her future, goals, college and an unwanted pregnancy just isn’t a part of her near future.” 

And a word of advice for those parents with siblings?

Jean of Aviston, Ill admits she’s tabled ‘the talk’.” But that’s mainly because she’s worried her oldest, who is nine years old will tell her youngest who’s two years her junior.  “I know once I talk about it, the innocence will be ‘broken’ for both of them.  What kid can keep that a secret from their younger sister?  You know – knowledge is power at that age.”

If you’re in the same boat as Jean, take heart. Stacey of St. Louis, Mo has been there. “The whole sibling thing is hard,” she says and mentions it is a given the younger sibling will learn about it earlier. “I don’t think there’s any way around that.  But I hope that we are empowering our kids with truthful information and the older siblings could impart that to the younger ones.”

Still need more info? Here’s a great site with a list of extra resources.