“I still wonder if he even thought of me that night.  If he did, I really hope he didn’t think I’d be better off without him.  Yes, he and I had our difficulties; but my life has an empty hole in it now that I will never be able to fill,” Rebecca notes as she discusses her dad’s suicide. Her dad died nine years ago when she was in college.

And like most children who lose a parent to suicide, the now adult, St. Louis city dweller has struggled to understand his actions and learn how to carry on without him. The first part of this two part article is about the anger, guilt and obstacles the surviving children encounter as a result of their parent’s suicide. It can be found here.  

Kris Grawitch, Program Coordinator at Heartlinks Grief Center at Family Hospice in Belleville, IL, counsels kids who have lost parents – be it cancer, homicide or even suicide. Oftentimes, she’s tasked with helping children whose parents have committed suicide understand the “why” behind the deceased parent’s actions. 

When she has to talk to kids and families about suicide, “we talk about having a brain attack,” she says. “Our instincts are set up for fight or flight. In earlier time periods, the normal responses to a stressor were to fight back or run–not kill yourself. In fact, most of us work very hard to keep ourselves alive. In people who suicide, these normal instinctual responses are disrupted and no longer functioning properly. Chemically, the brain is not working as it should be. It is in these moments of a brain attack when the person is most vulnerable and may kill themselves. It’s not something they would normally do, it’s not something that could easily be predicted, and it’s no one’s fault.”

This viewpoint, she notes, has researched support and hopefully will become more mainstream. “From a preventive stance, it will help people contemplating or who have attempted suicide to find a better support system to hopefully get the help they need.”

But experts also think that from a grief perspective, this view will increase the social support for the survivors, while decreasing feelings of guilt, anger and feelings of abandonment.

The latest research indicates that as many as 90% of people who die by suicide had some type of diagnosable mental disorder. Suicide prevention means reaching out to those people who are depressed, helping those parents get the help they need.

“No one who commits suicide truly wants to die; they simply want to escape the pain they are in,” says Rebecca who has since made her career within the field of social work. ”It’s difficult though, because people experiencing depression tend to isolate themselves and often don’t have the energy or hope to reach out for help. That’s why we all need to be aware of the issue and be comfortable having the conversation, even when it is difficult.”

Some on-line resources that can help the person experiencing these overwhelming feelings can be found here. Information regarding the symptoms of someone who’s suicidal can be found here.  

National Alliance on Mental Illness has a list of organizations that offer resources in St. Louis and nationally. (For those who feel suicidal, how to help someone who’s suicidal, and grief support.) There’s even information on a free 12-week class for family caregivers of individuals with severe mental illnesses. The class discusses the clinical treatment of these illnesses and teaches the knowledge and skills that family members need in order to effectively cope.

Grawitch mentions there are also resources available for the children left behind as well.

“With the youngest kids I use books more on feelings than anything. Some kids find journals helpful, writing or art, while others need more activity as they work through their grief,” she says and mentions PBS just did a very emotional program (click here) for kids about loss and the grieving process.

Heartlinks serves more than 500 children each year in six counties in Illinois. In the St. Louis area, Annie’s Hope  can help.  BJC provides a program called “Stepping Stones” that offers camps for kids. For more info on Heartlinks email heartlinks@familyhospice.org or call 618-227-1800.