On the outside, *Judy and Christopher are like many other couples. The late 30-something pair live in a St. Louis suburb and are neck-deep in navigating through the world of parenting, marriage and career. They spend their weekends shuttling their two boys from one activity to another.

But Judy and Christopher, who’ve been married for 10 years, haven’t had sex in more than two years.

According to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage, about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year. According to one article, “married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week.” (But that stat doesn’t take into account that typically married people under 30? Have sex about 111 times a year.)

Most couples who wind up in a sexless marriage didn’t anticipate their marriage taking such a turn way back when they exchanged those vows to love, honor and obey. But the reasons behind this twist vary. Some couples can pinpoint a particular time or event like child birth or an affair. For others, the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and the daily responsibilities take their toll. Some couples grow bored with their married life. And as a result the sex slows. Childhood trama (sex abuse) or growing up with a view of sex being “dirty” can also contribute to a lack of sexual relation.

For Judy and Christopher, the sex slowed with the birth of their first child then ultimately stopped after the birth of their second. She also cites some issues within the relationship.

“At first it was because I worked, took care of the kids, the house and the finances. I felt completely unsupported. I’d run around crazy while my husband sat on the couch watching tv. By the end of the day, I just wanted to be left alone. I told him unless he was willing to help out with the kids and around the house, I didn’t have the time or energy,” she says sadly. “He hasn’t seemed to want to put forth the effort. So I’ve just let it go at that.”

According to Donnelly, (via the article I mentioned) couples in a sexless marriage are more likely to have considered divorce and that they tend to be less happy in their marriages.

“Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners,” she reports. ”It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.”

Judy says she and Christopher have considered divorce.

“I’ve tried to talk about this with him but our discussions usually end up with us both being angry and hurt. I would like for us to be intimate again. But there have been so many factors that complicate sex. We have discussed divorce a few times. I wonder if perhaps we’d be happier with other people. But now there’s two kids and a rocky economy to consider in that decision. It isn’t an easy one to make.”

*Judy and Christopher’s names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Tune into the second part of this article which is planned to post on Friday for tips on how to rekindle that “spark”. Until then, there’s a great site for St. Louis couples that offers articles, therapists, and seminars devoted to helping couples foster a loving feeling.

Image by Thinkbudget.com