When the sex wanes, or stops altogether, does the marriage fizzle?

This was a question explored in the first part of this two-part article. (To catch up, click here.) Today we’re focusing on how to get “back on track and back in the sack”.

But to be fair, some couples living within a sexless marriage are more than happy doing so. If you’re one of these couples, the old adage, “If its not broke, don’t fix it” applies. The issues arise when one or both partners are unhappy with the quantity and quality of their sexual relationship.

Maybe the sexual fire you’ve felt for each other has simmered down to a glowing ember. Or maybe that fire’s been out for a while. Sometimes the cause is biological. Hormone fluctuations, certain medications, underlying medical conditions and recreational use of drugs can affect desire. Sometimes causes are personal.  A person’s sex drive is greatly affected by negative body image, depression, self esteem problems, or  grief issues. Unresolved feelings of resentment and anger can also zap those “lovin’ feelings.”

“It’s important to figure out why you weren’t having sex and make sure everything is in good working order (body, mind, and spirit) before you take the plunge,” says Kristen Chase, the master mind behind the Mominatrix podcast and book, The Mominatrix’s Guide to Sex. She also writes about issues that crop up in marriage, life and parenting on her blog Motherhood Uncensored.

Many experts agree that this issue is easier worked on if you talk about it sooner than later.

“The bottom line is that the road to boosting desire is not a precise science. There is lots of trial and error. The only way you can really create problems is by sticking your head in the sand, hoping it will go away, or telling your husband to take a cold shower,” says Michele Weiner-Davis author of  The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If you are willing to read this book, go to a doctor, or talk to a therapist or begin the journey to boosting desire, you’ll be on the path to more closeness and connection with your spouse.”

But how exactly does one get back into a sexual  groove?

“If you’ve been on a sexcation for a couple of weeks or months, then you may not have to worry too much about anything changing,” says Chase. “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to spice things up with some new tricks. Everything from watching a little porn or reading a few sexy books to nail down a few new moves is always a great idea. Or stock up on some new toys to make the action a little more exciting.”

And while we’re on that note, StLFamilyLife Partner Melody wrote a great post about some of the things one can do in order to get into the mood. Check it out. But if your hiatus has lasted longer? 

“You might want to take some time and figure out what you like on your own. You can always add your partner into the mix, but things change whether you’ve had kids or not, and best to be prepared to communicate your needs so that your partner doesn’t need a GPS and instruction manual to figure out how to get you going,” advises Chase.

Everyone’s different in regards to an approach.

“How do you get into the pool? Okay, so maybe this seems like a weird question, but it actually does relate to sex,” she notes. ”Do you jump in the cold water with a cannonball or do you slink in slowly, allowing each body party to adapt to the water over the course of a few minutes? So, consider your answer to that question when you decide to add sex back into your life. Some folks do well just hopping right back into bed and going for it like they were never on a break. And others need a bit more coaxing – a little romance, a bubble bath, a few candles.”

Some couples fear rejection from their partner. That fear can be a huge boulder in the path to getting back on the right path.

“What happens in many marriages if you are the one where emotions come first, is you avoid sex until your spouse does the things that help you feel connected emotionally. On the other hand, if you are the sex-leads-to-connection person, you go into a cave emotionally until your spouse shows interest in you physically,” says Weiner-Davis via MedicineNet. ”Too many marriages go down the tubes while each spouse waits for the other to change. It’s imperative that both in a marriage take responsibility for tipping over the first domino and stop keeping score.”

Imagine from www.sheknows.com.