His name is J. He’s been Seth’s best friend since preschool.

J. is quiet and laid back. Seth is loud and defintely a “Type A kind” of kid. J. is the ying to Seth’s yang. While their personalities are different, they are both sensitive little souls who bonded early over shared interests like most best friends do. And over the years as their love for Matchbox cars has evolved into a passion for Star Wars and Legos, their friendship has remained as strong as ever.

I always looked at this friendship as a good thing, that his connection with J. was something that enriched the lives of both boys. But apparently some pyschologists and educators are beginning to question whether kids should have best friendships. Some say having having a best friend hinders a child’s emotional growth.

“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,” said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,” she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.”

This last quote made me think, “Whu?” But there’s a reason behind this line of thought. According to an article on this issue by the New York Times, the reasoning behind such a perspective stems from the bullying issue.  The bonds of best buds  “signals potential trouble for school officials intent on discouraging anything that hints of exclusivity, in part because of concerns about cliques and bullying.”

If a child has one friend and refuses to socialize with others and won’t let the best friend have other friends, I can see the point of concern. But that’s not the case with Seth and J. They’ve always been in seperate classrooms (expect for preschool) and have friends within their classroom but enjoy meeting up at recess. They both have other friends they are very close to outside of school. They know each other’s friends. But there’s no jealousy there. They don’t question each other’s loyalty to the other. They know they can rely on each other.

According to an article in the New York Times, there are some psychologists who believe that “close childhood friendships not only increase a child’s self-esteem and confidence, but also help children develop the skills for healthy adult relationships — everything from empathy, the ability to listen and console, to the process of arguing and making up.”

These experts are raise an interesting point noting that adults shouldn’t intervene in these friendships.

“If children’s friendships are choreographed and sanitized by adults, the argument goes, how is a child to prepare emotionally for both the affection and rejection likely to come later in life?”

I agree. Adulthood is a difficult enough transition for most people. If we jump into our kids’ friendships, especially when nothing seems to be wrong, are we really helping them?

Anyone else want to share a thought? Feel free to do so!