We did all experience it differently. My husband doesn’t recall it being as awful as I do. To him, it was the normal upbringing of pre-teen and then teenaged children. The problem was his only experience with this was far from normal. It may have been his version of normal teenhood, but it wasn’t the normal a family should strive for. It was too loaded with negativity and consequences. It didn’t leave enough room for normal mistakes and growth. It didn’t provide enough emotional nourishment for love to grow and blossom.

Those things happened, eventually. But the teen years were hard. Very hard.

I imagine some readers are thinking that the teen years are almost always hard. Yes, this is true. I’ve turned this over in my head too. How does one isolate what is the normal angst of raising teens and what is due to the blended families? I have often thought that while we surely experienced some hardship that was pinned on the blended family, that similar hardship could easily have occurred in an intact family.

It doesn’t matter. As they say, perception is reality and in the case of a blended family, it’s all you have to work with.

I couldn’t write about the situation without input from those I shared it with, so I did have some long dialog with my daughters about it. Some of that was pretty difficult to hear and I had to let it sit for awhile before I could write this piece. I suppose it would be meaningful to share with you some of those soundbytes, too, to make this article a full 360 degree view.

My oldest daughter said “To a certain extent, I felt that because you were so concerned with creating a united front with Bill, that spilled over into my perception of our relationship. I know that a lot of that is because in a marriage one person opens up to the other and can fully explain and help the other understand their reasons for doing things and why they feel the way they do. As kids, we didn’t get to see any of that. Maybe that’s all families. So I guess that would be my best word of advice…that blended families require much more openness in the lines of communication. Everyone seems to think that kids don’t or shouldn’t know stuff, but thinking back, I knew a lot about what was going on. But since I didn’t know the full details I was forced to fill in the blank spots with my own ideas of what was happening, and likely filled them with thoughts and ideas that were worse than the reality of the situation.”

My 2nd daughter experienced it very differently from her sister. One of her points is that everyone does experience it differently, even within the same household but also across different blended families. She said “I guess this is probably a theme for a lot of people too. Feeling like the new life is valued higher than the old life. It’s not like I ever thought you didn’t care about me or love me, but I definitely didn’t feel prioritized. And, FYI, I’m completely talking about how I felt as a teenager. I’ve gained a lot more understanding and sympathy as I’ve gotten older. I also don’t regret any of it because I’m very happy with the person I am today. I definitely notice its effects though. It’s made me more
dependent in my relationships and I eventually realized that it was a big driving force behind my desire to have a family – I guess wanting to create what I felt like I didn’t get to experience.”

In discussing the challenges of isolating what is due to the blended family situation and what might have been a challenge even in an intact family, she says “I think you are right that people tend to blame normal family issues on the idea of a stepparent. The situations and struggles are often exactly the same as “normal” families. But there is still a distinction that needs to be made in the feelings attached. I think you expect parents and stepparents to have a little more sympathy and understanding coming into a situation of divorce. I think people have more resentment because they were already in a difficult situation, and then on top of that, their parents didn’t prioritize their feelings and their emotional development highly enough.”

After I absorbed all that, along with a few margaritas, I went back and asked my daughters if there were any things they thought we did well. There were, and for that I am glad. I only hope those positives were enough to offset my mistakes.

I suppose at the end of the day, if someone were to ask me for my advice, I would tell them that open communications is essential. Don’t try to shield the children from too much – they are left with partial knowledge and tend to fill in the blanks themselves. I would also say that it’s not a time to be too authoritarian – there must be some extra doses of compassion given the circumstances.

Lastly, there needs to be ongoing effort without the expectation that you will ever achieve a Brady-like existence. Chances are you won’t. You probably won’t even come close, and that’s OK. The main goal is that everyone puts forth his or her best efforts and each child should feel appreciated and cherished. That isn’t unique to blended families – that is the goal of all families. It’s just a little more difficult for those of us trying to achieve it from inside the martini shaker.

We survived. Somehow, in the end, despite all my mistakes, I still have the best daughters a mother could ask for and a life-partner who loves and respects me beyond measure. Somehow, we all came out on top. And while I don’t always subscribe to the ol’ adage ‘the end justifies the means’, I am just pretty darn giddy to have achieved the end that we seem to have achieved.

Those of you in the midst of it – good luck. You’re going to need it. (An occasional martini or three wouldn’t hurt either. Shake all you want – you’ll need a means of releasing your stress!)

Photo of Life with Derek from Fanpop.com