“Infertility sucks,” a friend of mine once remarked. Many couples who have experienced the agony of infertility, would quickly co-sign that statement. Afterall, infertility affects couples of all ages across all economic backgrounds in a plethora of ways large and small. 

Many couples who embark on the quest to conquer this obstacle are aware of the toll it can exact on the ole’ pocketbook and body. But how does it affect the couple’s relationship? Does it change the way a couple views and relates to each other?  Those were the questions I set out to answer when I interviewed several parents living on both sides of the Arch.

Linlee remembers vividly the initial emotions she and her husband grappled with.

“At first it was rough, lots of tears, questions, scared what the other would think,” the St. Louis native admitted. “There was fear that one would leave the other if they couldn’t produce a child etc.,”

Katie, a resident of Breese, IL, said one of the most difficult parts in the early days was comprehending the news.

“I don’t think either of us really knew how to deal with it—I had a hard time understanding why ‘everyone else could get pregnant’ but we couldn’t…”

As for Katie’s husband?

“He didn’t understand it either, but mostly he didn’t know how to comfort me. Over time, we argued more and more because we wanted a child so badly and couldn’t have one.”

Mike, another Illinoisan, mentioned the impact infertility had on the intimate aspect of he and his wife’s marriage.

“It put unnecessary stress on our relationship and sex life,” he divulged. ”It turned our sex life into more of a (this has to work) situation.”

Fertility issues can also create a feeling of helplessness for a couple. Another Illinois resident voiced how difficult that can be. 

“Couldn’t be pinned on me, couldn’t be pinned on him,” Stacey shared. ”You would think that we would be happy to hear that, but sometimes it is worse. I’m the kind of person that says, ‘Ok, here’s the problem. Let’s fix it.’  When you can’t find the problem….you can’t fix it.”

Each person interviewed stressed that communicating with their partner, during such a gut-wrenching time, is key.  

“Don’t be afraid to talk and get your feelings out. Cry everyday if you need to, whatever it takes to get you through it,” Linlee said.

 But sometimes a couple or a spouse needs the benefit of a third party first.

“Eventually I saw a counselor to help me deal with my (emotional) issues of infertility and also how to deal with ‘everyone else’ having kids,” Katie added. “I had a lot of jealousy issues towards our family and friends who seemed to be popping kids out left and right. Talking with the counselor DEFINITELY helped me deal with those issues AND helped me be able to communicate my feelings better to my husband- my better communication skills helped him understand how I was feeling and our relationship got better again.”

And for Mike and his honey, in addition to talking things through, they put in place an added measure. 

“…when we weren’t ‘trying’, we made sure the sex was spontaneous.”

The encouraging news? According to all of them, the lessons learned throughout their respective journeys weren’t easy but with the benefit of hindsight, valuable.

“As hard as it was dealing with infertility it honestly made our marriage as solid as possible,” Linlee noted. She and her husband now have an active and sweet little girl. “We joke now that if we could get through that then we can get through anything.”

Mike and his wife’s story has a happy ending too. They have two beautiful daughters. “I think it only helped strengthen (our relationship) because we were working toward a common goal and when it did happen, we enjoyed the outcome.”

Katie and her husband, who are now in the midst of night time feedings and diaper changes, echoed Mike and Linlee’s sentiments.

“We learned that to make this baby thing work, we had to work as a team and just had to go with the flow! Overall, I do think we are much stronger people because of it,” Katie said. ”Dang, if we can make it through the struggles of infertility without killing each other, I think we’ll be okay!”

*Something that didn’t quite “fit” into the article but I felt was incredibly important was a comment Stacey made regarding secondary fertility — an issue many couples experience. We discussed the importance of communication and being able to lean on not just your spouse but others within your network. She added, “I can say one thing that DOESN’T help is when someone says, ‘Maybe you should just be happy with the one you have.’ Not helpful! I know what it is like to have a sibling, and I want that for my daughter.”

**I know there’s a bunch of people who just nodded their heads in agreement. And I wanted to note this on their behalf.

***Part two, which includes how couples can feel more connected through this experience, will post on Friday.