The first day of school was oddly quiet in my house, once I’d set the kids on their way. The only sound I heard was the click-clicking of the keyboard, while my neurotic, chirping love bird rustled the paper lining the bottom of his cage. It is a silence 10 years in the making.

Elise was ready for elementary school in every way: socially, academically, and psychologically. Having a fall birthday, she stayed home with me an extra year, which I really did love. Knowing she is my youngest and all her ‘lasts’ will truly be my ‘lasts’, I savored the time with her. Still, being the adventurous, confident little girl she is, I knew that she would transition easily and embrace this new life stage without hesitation.

Being in a half day program, it’s not like I am losing my little side kick completely. Just 17 hours and 55 minutes each week. But who’s counting? Me, apparently. While I am basking in the quietness, there is a strange sense of ‘what now’ lurking in the back of my mind. In this role of wife and mother, it is easy to forget about yourself in the process.

In the bigger picture, I think I’ve done a fine job of balancing family life with keeping my own identity. I am a gym enthusiast and, when the kids are in school, can be found strengthening and toning at my local club several mornings a week. And there is the Bible study I attend once a week during the school year; and my weekly Moms in Touch prayer group, where I am blessed to pray for my school aged children and their classmates and teachers.

You won’t find me lounging on the couch watching soap operas while eating bon-bons. I am busy making sure that I am taking care of me and not just my family. I was warned that emotionally it would be difficult on that first day that I send my precious little one on the bus with her big brother. Not so much. I happily snapped pictures and hugged and kissed them as I waved them out of sight.

Maybe it is the bickering and the “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do.” statements I heard all summer long that made sending her off for those precious 17 hours a week made this a slam dunk for me. Like I said, it is only half days so it’s not like I am footloose and fancy free. But I do feel a little restless in the house by myself–even with having more than enough things to do to fill my day.

Originally I decided that to celebrate the first day I would lounge on the couch with my cup of coffee and just enjoy the silence. That lasted about 2 minutes. That is when I decided that maybe I should write. But the fact that no one is interrupting me every 2.3 minutes feels very odd. I should be celebrating the fact that I may crank out my first article at one sitting. Yet, here I am checking my watch every few minutes waiting for the time when the bus drops her back off in front of our house, getting up just as frequently to shake off this restless energy.

Somehow this day just isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be. On this first week back to school I am reminded of her first day of her preschool experience. She attended two mornings a week for a total of 5 hours, not taking into consideration the lost time in travel. How I reveled in that solitary time I had. A year later she attended three afternoons a week, gaining that precious 2 ½ hours. Glorious. Still it wasn’t hard to be jealous of my friends who were childless for a whole day. It sounded so divine, so heavenly, so amazing.

Now that I’m here inching my way toward that freedom, I’m wondering why I am pacing back and forth like a caged animal actually missing the commotion that even one child can create.

Seriously, I am asking myself what is wrong with me. Like all things new, I suppose I’ll adjust and fill in the gaps of my ‘free time’– like housework, errands and all my volunteer efforts for the church and school. Clearly I have enough to fill that void. Just don’t ask me to project how I’ll feel when I have the entire day without my kids. I am not ready to talk about it. Really, I’m not.

Bonnie Krueger lives in West County. In 2009, she began her first blog Inside My Head found at http://bonsbrain.blogspot.com/ . She began a second blog devoted solely to the memory and unique story of her mom– Heart Speaks found at http://bonsheart.blogspot.com/.