Image credit: tweenparenting.about.com

Many of us with pre-teen daughters are constantly surprised by how volatile each and every day can be. One minute they want to snuggle up and hug you, the next they are angry and slamming their doors.

The pre-teen years can best be described as the pre-teen push-pull. “Developmentally they are operating on a pleasure principal and the need for immediate gratification,” says Susan Gartenberg, mother of four daughters and a school counselor in the Ladue School District.

It is the best of times and the worst of times. Look at it as one more developmental stage: this behavior is necessary to being teenagers. Teens need to learn to be independent within the safety net of their parents. Raising our kids to be independent while teaching them that it’s okay to make mistakes can be a tall order.

Recently Jessie, my 12 year old daughter and I were visiting with my uncle and his friends. Having kids in their 20’s, Jessie was proving to be their “youth expert” as they asked her questions about e-mail, texting and friends. I was somewhat surprised to hear her responses. She was engaged in the conversation, being as truthful as she could-even discusings middle school politics and popularity. She didn’t seem bother by much of it; she handled herself with a grace and poise I am often not privileged to see.

On the way home, we were having a conversation about homework or some silly thing and she became a different child. She was angry with me for asking, even angrier at my wanting to talk about it. The sweet, easy-going girl for five minutes ago? Replaced with a raging, upset pre-teen snapping at me. I think of having a pre-teen daughter as the best of times and the worst of times. Because it can be!

Mindy Grossman a counselor in Parkway explained, “Although pre-teens don’t think they want limits set for themselves, they really do. They crave independence but they are also scared to be independent so they need parents to guide them. They like having parents set limits so that they don’t have to make the hard choices. We need to explain our concerns and our non-negotiable items. For you, safety and being well supervised is a non-negotiable. Don’t feel like you have to explain your choices to anyone else, either.”

Here Susan shared her suggestions for dealing with pre-teens:

• Don’t minimize their perception of what is “life or death”. They will tune us out immediately.
• Try not to take so much personally; understand that many of the behaviors teens exhibit are important developmental steps to becoming independent. Remain confident in yourself and your parenting skills.
• Give pre-teens the opportunity to negotiate small steps before taking the big ones. We do this by not over-reacting, but by modeling informed decision making. The clearer the limits, the more freedom kids have.”
• Slow down. The “wait and see” is great. Sometimes the plans they have are so crazy it makes your head spin. Put off your answer. Stall. Often the plans dissipate and you don’t have to be the heavy. (Save it for when you really do need to be the heavy.) My own favorite response, “Honey, you sound so excited about this. Unfortunately I can’t think the details through all the way right now. Let’s talk in a few minutes when I can really listen.” (Really listen is code for: take a deep breath and say a prayer)
• Use empathy, reading, listening, talking to other parents and using them as resources.
• Be clear and concise: less is more. They will hear what they want. Use statements like, “Let me give that some thought,” And “I need more information.”
• Take yourself out of the equation. This is their journey.

Through it all I see glimpses of the young woman who is emerging. My daughter has always been high spirited and so this is part is my journey…figuring out how to best help her achieve her developmental milestones and become the person she is meant to be.

As Mindy Grossman said, “We are all doing the best we can every day.”