Since my childhood I had always dreamed of being a mom, to be more specific a stay-at-home mom (SAHM).  Even though I enjoyed my 12-year corporate career, there was never anything I desired more than to be at home raising my children.  And that is where I have happily been for the last 11 years. But it has not been without challenges and frustrations.

Contrary to the running joke, I do not spend my day laying on the couch eating bon-bons and watching soap operas. Nor do I spend my day at the spa or getting my nails done. The reality is that, while rewarding, it is a demanding, often thankless, job.

I talked to three SAHMs: DeAnne, mom to two daughters ages 4 and 6, married 8 years and living in St. Charles County; Shannon, mom to 2 daughters and a son ranging from 2 years to 6 years old, married 9 years and living in Manchester; and Anne, also of Manchester, who has an 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter and has been married nearly 12 years. I asked all of the moms the same questions, and their answers were inspiring, encouraging and eye-opening.

STL Family Life: What is your background that made you want a stay at home lifestyle?

Shannon left a wildly successful job in the corporate world, leaving a salary in the 6 figure range.  She explained, “My mom had to earn a living for me, my sister and brother. I can remember as a child seeing the mothers that attended our class parties and were at home when their kids got home from school and wishing my mom could have been that for me. I felt as though my career was a goal in life that I had already accomplished and that my next goal was to raise a family.”

Anne was raised by a SAHM until her parents divorced, which took her mom back into the work force. Having experienced both spectrum’s in her youth, she found she did not like being home alone after school and found that her mom had little patience in the evenings.  Surely this was not the way she thought it should be in her own family and hoped to stay home as well.

Leaving a successful career means you are leaving an income behind as well. For our family, it means not having the latest large flat screen TV, not having cable or U-verse and not taking a family vacation every year. Is it a challenge financially for you? How do you make it work?

DeAnne’s personal experience is a perfect example of “When there’s a will, there’s a way”.  She explains, “We both have a heart for serving and helping others. After a year of giving away his time to charity organizations and churches and seeing a great need there, my husband knew that he needed to be in ministry full time. After downsizing from our 5 bedroom, 4 bath, 2,500 sq. ft. home to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment, we have learned so much about what’s really important in life. ”

Shannon and her husband lived on his salary prior to having children so that they were accustomed to the lifestyle afforded by his salary only. Shannon adds ”I do feel like we have to be very conscious of our budget. We only have one newer car, no cable, minimal cell phone technology-just the little things like that to stay within our budget.”

What surprised me the most as a SAHM is how busy I am. There are not enough hours in the day to ‘do it all’ with excellence. In fact, my biggest frustration is managing all the aspects of taking care of our home without neglecting the kids. How do you balance it all and is your husband helpful in dividing up the chores to manage your household?

All three moms agreed, their husbands were helpful when it comes to household chores.

Anne’s husband Mike does the major grocery and discount store shopping, while also being charge of helping their youngest child keep her room tidy and he does his own laundry.

Shannon enjoys a respite from cooking on the weekends as her husband assumes that responsibility. She also has the added benefit of her mom helping out one day per week with her young family.

DeAnne’s husband loves to cook and will even do the dishes, too.  He also folds the laundry and puts it away.  All three of them agree, too, that they have very hands-on daddies who love to spend quality time with their children.

What reaction to you get from people when they learn you are a SAHM? And do you plan to return to the work place?

Anne replied simply “No need to defend. Most of my friends stay home. I’d have to defend myself if I didn’t stay home.”

DeAnne’s comments struck a chord with me and my own experiences. She said, “The times that I felt defensive or felt the need to justify why I am a SAHM, were coming from my own perceptions of the people I was around when I was feeling that way. I may have had been misjudging someone simply because they were single and had successful careers.” She added, “I am planning on getting my master’s degree soon so that I can teach literature on the college level after my girls are out of school.”

Shannon replied, “There are people who appear to frown on the fact that I forfeited my salary and career to stay at home. I’m not one to judge whether or not anyone should stay at home or have a career, but this is the right decision [for my family]. Frankly, I haven’t thought about returning to the work force since I’m trying to enjoy this time I’m home with my kids.”

We are on call 24/7. How do you find time for yourself. What helps you rejuvenate and keep your identity as a woman and not ‘just a wife and mother’?

DeAnne found that keeping marriage journals with her husband helps to keep a finger on the pulse of their relationship. DeAnne said “We write about the things that don’t get said because we get busy or the girls are interrupting us. After the week is over, we try to sit down together over coffee and talk about what we wrote. We both come to the table with our defenses down–full of vulnerability, love, and an open heart; but most of all, we come full of grace for one another. It is our safe place to land after a hard week.” She adds, “I try to schedule one night a week where I can do anything I want. [My husband] also gets one night a week out as well.” DeAnne has passions as a singer and guitarist, but is also a talented writer. She loves to steal moments away to develop that creativity.

Shannon schedules weekly date nights, but also girl’s night out with friends or dinner with her siblings. “Sometimes I need to get out of the house and just grab a Starbucks coffee by myself. As a family, we try to take small weekend vacations every quarter to refresh together as a family”.

Anne could not point to any real time she gets for herself. “Facebook, e-mail and the Internet. I find time for myself because my energy is so low. I have no choice but to stop and rest.”

Each of these women come from unique backgrounds, and different socioeconomic conditions, and with very different religious and moral beliefs. Yet, there was one common theme with all of them: Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job they have ever loved.

Editor’s Note – Studies point to the value of SAHM’s being close to $140k. Check out this article by Associated Content for more intriguing information.

Bonnie Krueger  lives in West County. In 2009, she began her first random musings blog Inside My Head . She began a second blog devoted solely to the memory and unique story of her mom’s childhood and internment in a concentration camp after WWII called Heart Speaks. She can also be found as a “Local Voices” blogger and on the Mom’s Council at http://townandcountry-manchester.patch.com/ Find her on Twitter @BonnieLOK.

I walk into a quaint bistro in Clayton to sneak in a quick lunch date with my husband. I’ve never been to this place but immediately notice something strange. I can’t put my finger on it at first but then I realize, while there are about 15 people in the establishment, I’m the only female.

This place isn’t exactly a macho man’s lair. And the fare is rather chi-chi. The “manliest” thing on the menu? Lasagna. I am amused at this and puzzled. As more patrons amble in, I notice they too are all men. Then I find out exactly WHY all these men are here.

Her name is Tammy.

According to my husband, the food is good, but the majority of the patrons seem to frequent due to the woman with the beautiful hair, great skin, fantastic figure, and pretty face. But I still wonder… What is so magical about Tammy?

As Tammy walks up to us, she flashes a bright smile and says “hello.” She notices our wobbly table, makes a joke and in a flash fixes it with a well-placed sugar packet. I notice my husband blush a bit when she asks about our drink order. She has a very “girl next door” look, very relaxed and natural. And I suspect many of the men who dine here also have a bit of a school boy crush on her.

So I watch and learn. Yes, she’s very pretty. But she is not flirtatious. She’s not wearing revealing clothes. She’s cheerful, personable and is quick to get us our drinks. She buzzes around the room, laughing with patrons, taking orders, checking on others, and cleaning up dishes. She’s very efficient and projects a confident yet easy-going nature. She looks people in the eyes when she takes their order and she’s quick to smile.

As we walk back to the car, I say, “If you would have told me ahead of time how men flock to this place and why, I would have pictured Tammy to be a 19 year-old Megan Fox look-alike wearing a very tight, skimpy outfit. Frankly, I’d picture someone who was very flirtsy and well… vapid.”

My husband rolls his eyes and smiles at me.

I quickly continue, “But I’m guessing a lot of the men who like Tammy come not just because she’s very pretty, but because she’s outgoing and friendly, yet professional. She has a very positive energy about her. She makes the men who come in there feel good about themselves.”

My husband looks at me. “Yep. That’s it. You’ve got it.”

I experience an “a-ha!” moment of sorts. “So while it may be somewhat about the looks, it is far more about how we women can make men feel?”

“And here you women think we’re all so shallow,” my husband says as he pulls me in for hug.

Frankly I’m glad to be reminded that it isn’t solely about cleavage or curves. Then I give the hubs a long, lingering kiss to remind him of how good I can make him feel.

The first time it happened it was a very typical Friday afternoon. I glanced up at the clock and noticed that my son would be getting off the school bus soon, so I went to the front door to make sure it was unlocked. (By fifth grade it is definitely uncool to greet your child at the bus stop). A few minutes later, as the phone began to ring, I realized my faux pas: Every Friday for the last two school years, I have picked Adam up from school at regular dismissal time because of his cello.

The second incident occurred five days later as I waited for my kindergartner to get off the bus. The time came and went with no bus and no daughter. I did notice a few moms I know waving at me as they drove up our street and out of the subdivision; and they were all Daisy Girl Scout moms. The it occurred to me. I forgot about the Daisy Girl Scout meeting.

The third incident was weeks later. Elise had a five-week art class held after school once a week. I completely forgot to take her. In fact, I didn’t even remember the class until the following morning.

So my question is, what gives? For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am organized and detailed. I’ve never been able to relate to other moms who consistently forget things and drop the ball.

Imagine my relief then when Dr. Mehmet Oz wrote in an article about mom brain that it is a true condition. Our brains are 80 percent fat, containing Omega-3 nutrients. The baby receives that nutrient, literally sucking out our brain power. During pregnancy, Dr. Oz says a woman’s brain also shrinks by about 8 percent. “You don’t lose cells. The cells get smaller,” he says. “It might be because you’re focused on one thing, but the good news is after you give birth, your brain begins to rewire quickly. … Your brain actually gets more powerful than before you got pregnant.”

It’s the last part that I find difficult to believe. More powerful? I think my brain forgot to regenerate. I’m just sayin’.

To combat “mommy brain,” Dr. Oz recommends taking omega-3 fatty acids and getting plenty of sleep. “[Omega-3 is] important because we know that it actually allows women to recover from depression faster if they have depression after pregnancy,” he says. “It also allows the brain to grow.”

While he gives that great tip, which I just may try to implement, the true is that I’m fallible. With both of my kids getting older, they are involved in far more scouting, sports and school activities and I have that much more to keep track of. Despite looking at my calendar every day, things are going to slip through the cracks. There is no magic formula and no solution to make sure that things like this don’t happen again. The truth is since my children forgive me, I need to forgive myself.  Period.

Bonnie Krueger  lives with her family in West County. In 2009, she began her first random musings blog Inside My Head . A second blog devoted solely to the memory and unique story of her mom’s childhood and internment in a concentration camp after WWII is found at Heart Speaks. She can also be found on Wednesdays on Patch’s Mom Talk and on Twitter @BonnieLOK.

Photo found here.

(By Becky and Hollee)

Becky had never pictured being anything but a newspaper reporter.

And so, when she became a mother and realized that things weren’t going as planned — returning to work inspired much more guilt and stress than she’d expected — she panicked.

She was confused and disappointed: Working part time hadn’t helped. That was supposed to have been the magic answer, delivering perfect balance by enabling her to be a nearly full-time mom and a reporter. But, instead, she’d felt mommy tracked. She couldn’t immerse herself in writing and reporting the way she had when she’d worked full time; the love she’d had for her job had withered. And without that passion, it was hard to justify being away from her daughter.

And so she quit. It was time to reinvent herself.

She learned that was the key, in varying ways, for many of the women she interviewed for Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood (Harlequin Nonfiction, April 2011).

“Many of us grew up being told we could be anything — and so we’d embarked on paths designed to lead us to ‘success’,” the duo said. “Problem was, following a narrow path of logical next steps didn’t always work once we’d had kids, and we were forced to think bigger and broader and more creatively. That’s where the New Perfect came in. We had to let go of this idea that there were goals we were supposed to have, things we were supposed to do, some perfect life we were supposed to lead. Our research showed us that the women who had created lives based on their own realities and expectations were happier and more successful, both at work and at home.”

Both authors feel mothers can reinvent themselves — we just have to be brave enough to do it. In Good Enough Is the New Perfect, there’s an entire chapter on career makeovers. Key points include:

• You can start over. You’re not “throwing away” the past by seeking happiness in a new career.
• Take stock of your strengths and get comfortable telling others about how you excel. Men don’t feel as if they’re bragging when they do this.
• Get out there and talk to people. Start networking with the people around you, get ideas and find out who they know.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
• Don’t limit yourself. There are probably more options than you’re considering.

This is what Becky discovered. Writing for a newspaper wasn’t the only thing she knew how to do.

“When we started writing our book and blogging, we each found new outlets for the things we loved doing. Neither of us knew, exactly, how to write a book or launch a blog when we started — but we were passionate, we asked for help, and we figured it out. And we learned an important lesson: As our lives continue to evolve, so can we,” she said.

Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple are the authors of Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood, which is available at http://amzn.to/newperfect . Becky is an award-winning journalist who has written for the Chicago Sun-Times, The Detroit News and USA Today. Hollee directs the legal writing program at West Virginia University College of Law and is a frequent conference speaker. They blog about parenting and work/life balance at http://TheNewPerfect.com. Follow Hollee on Twitter at http://twitter.com/holleeinbalance.

A few months ago, I read an intriguing essay from a business owner who wrote about the lessons learned from his previous entrepreneurial efforts. In one of the lessons he cited an employee of his who had always been extremely dependable. The person began having performance problems. Over time, the usually timid employee started getting into verbal sparring matches with other employees. His personality changed, his attendance became sporadic.

After a number of warnings and meetings, the employee, eventually, was fired. The employer knew the employee had a host of personal problems. But he didn’t realize those problems were getting worse and worse over time. The lesson the business owner learned was that people bring their personal problems with them to work. That’s inevitable. We’re all human. Thinking of these issues during the day took away from an employee’s energy and focus and affected the person’s coworkers as well.

He realized that if an employer helps an employee cope with personal issues, like divorce or depression, companies end up with happier, healthier employees. This, in turn, positively affects production and the bottom line of the biz.

Bridget Brennan, Executive Director St. Louis Healthy Families agrees. “We have extensive research that shows that the distractions and stresses of our personal lives impacts our performance and productivity at our workplace. For example, research coming out of Mn. shows that it costs an employer approximately $8,000. per employee that goes through a divorce. We also know that the stresses of parenting, caring for aging parents, an unhealthy relationship, all of these experiences impact our work life.”

And that’s where STL Healthy Families comes in. The organization, formerly St. Louis Healthy Marriage Coalition, has recently launched a new program that brings workshops into the employer’s office that help employees cope with personal difficulties.  They also do Lunch and Learns as well as some 2.5 -3 hour sessions.

An example of topics covered include navigating within a blended family and the risk a re-married couple faces if they are not attentive to the struggles of their children in a new to them blended family. Another subject addressed is life after divorce, the habits to keep, break and how to emerge a stronger, healthier person.

Cost depends on the number of people attending  The Lunch and Learns are approximately $350.

For more information on the workshops, click here or email slhmc@att.net .

Photo found here.

Lisa Bertrand is the founder of STLFamilyLife and manages the “Love in the ‘Lou” as well as “Launch in the ‘Lou” channels. She can be reached @LisaOnTheLoose on Twitter or emailed at mother of bun at gmail dot com. She also writes an online column called ParentPop for ALIVE magazine and contributes to Girls Guide to the Galaxy.

Saturday morning I received an interesting text message.

I have no idea who sent me the text. But thanks to the message, I now know quite a bit about the sender. She’s caucasian. She likes her nails long and manicured. She’s well groomed, or at least, parts of her are. And she must be very proud of those certain body parts. Because she accidentally sent me a photo of them!

Yes. A total stranger sent me a photo of her very private lady parts. I got an eyeful of something only her romantic partner and a gyno usually get to see. I texted her back to let her know of the mistake.

Her response? “Sorry. I was trying to send the photo to myself and misdialed.”

I thought about replying, “I hope you tipped your waxer well. She obviously does a very thorough job!” But I refrained. (Because you know, that would be weird. But seriously. That was one very close-up shot.)

Her response left me scratching my head. You took a photo of your vagina on your phone. You planned to sent it to yourself and mis-dialed your own phone number in the process? (Hmmm. Methinks she’s a terrible liar.)

Her misdial taught me some valuable lessons I thought I should pass along. Because after doing a little research I learned sexting isn’t just for hormonal teens and drunken college kids. Apparently even baby boomers and the 40-something set are getting in on the action.

First off let me tell you… Sending naked photos of yourself to anyone is not a good idea. Ever. There are many reasons why. Let’s elaborate.

1.) Once that information is out of your hands, it is out of your control. You have no idea how this private information may be used. Did you ever stop to think that your honey, after imbibing a few cocktails, might think it’s funny to show your photos to his/her friends? (If you’re in your 30’s or older don’t assume your honey has the maturity not to share those photos. I know a few guys in their mid 30’s-50’s who are guilty of these types of antics.)

2.) Sure you may feel your honey is different. You might have every confidence in your relationship and your romantic partner. I don’t mean to sound cynical but most relationships have an expiration date. Even the ones that lead to marriage end up faltering about 50 percent of the time.  When relationships end, they typically end badly. Someone might be looking for revenge. (That happened to this girl.)

This is one of those “better safe than sorry” scenarios. But if those reasons don’t deter you, you need to keep a few other bits of information in mind. Don’t show your face, any birthmarks, tattoos or other unique attributes that might identify you. And obviously before you send, double check those digits. Here’s why:

* You don’t know how savvy (or creepy) the person you dialed instead actually is. I could probably find out who this phone belongs to in a matter of minutes via Google. Otherwise, all I have to do is hit “redial” and either ask the recipient some questions or listen to their greeting.

*You might accidentally send your photo to someone else in your contact list. Someone like a coworker, client, fellow church member, neighbor or sibling will recognize your phone number. This could cause a great deal of embarrassment, not to mention affect your reputation.

*Your message could negatively affect someone else.  My husband’s cell phone number is the same as mine save for one digit. If this would have been sent to his phone while I was standing beside it, the photo would have popped up.  I would have assumed my husband was having an affair. My husband would be staggering around the house with a high heel wedged up his colon. And I’d be calling my divorced friends to obtain attorney referrals.  It might sound funny, but that second of inattention on your part could cause serious damage to an innocent couple’s relationship. That’s no laughing matter.

*Oh yeah, and you could go to jail.  What if the stranger you accidentally sent that photo to happens to be 16 or younger? Depending on where you live? You can face criminal charges and have to register as a sex offender.

I quickly deleted the photo. They apologized and promised to be more careful. I went about my merry way. Although thanks to the sender, I did get some interesting blog material out of the experience.

She didn’t realize she had a problem until years later. *Sharon, a beautiful, petite mother of two grew up the center of attention. She was the “sweet, sunny child” in a family floundering in anxiety, addiction and marital misery.

“I felt like my job was to make everyone happy,” she said.

She grew up to become a wife and mother, carrying with her that compulsion to please. Over time, the self-inflicted pressure to perform became too heavy a burden to carry. She avoided talking on the phone, networking events, her kids’ sports events, parties and any situation where she might have to interact with others.

Over time her husband grew resentful. She didn’t realize until years after her divorce that she had a social anxiety disorder.

A person suffering from a social anxiety disorder has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. According to the Social Anxiety Support website, “Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.”  The person becomes terrified he or she will be embarrassed or humiliated in front of others. Panic attacks can result from the stress. And the person might end up “opting out” of events.

People with social anxiety disorder are victims of a distorted thinking, which can include fostering false beliefs about social situations and the negative opinions of others. Without treatment, social anxiety disorder can interfere with the person’s normal daily routine, including career, family life, education and social life.

Common situations that provoke anxiety are:

*Eating or drinking in front of others.
*Asking questions or giving reports in groups.
*Writing or working in front of others.
*Being the center of attention.
*Interacting with people, including dating or going to parties.
*Talking on the telephone.

If you or a loved one suffers from social anxiety disorder, you know how difficult this can be for the sufferer. You also know how much it can impact the family.

But there is hope. Certain medications and cognitive behavioral therapy can be used to combat social anxiety.  We’ll take a look at those tips next week’s post. But the person grappling with the issue needs to realize change cannot happen overnight.

“People often try out strategies and when they do not work, they give up,” writes Srini Pillay, M.D of Psychology Today. “Remember that rewiring the brain can take months, but trying to change your thoughts over months could save you years of unnecessary anxiety. So remember, that when you try out any thought change, the brain will initially resist this. The one way to overcome brain resistance is with dedicated and repeated practice.”

Here’s a list of national resources that can help.

Academy of Cognitive Therapy (http://www.academyofct.org)
American Psychological Association (http://www.apa.org)
American Psychiatric Association (http://www.healthyminds.org/locateapsychiatrist.cfm)
Anxiety Disorders Association of America (http://www.adaa.org)
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (http://www.abct.org)

Lisa Bertrand is the founder of STLFamilyLife and manages the “Love in the ‘Lou” as well as “Launch in the ‘Lou” channels. She can be reached @LisaOnTheLoose on Twitter or emailed at mother of bun at gmail dot com. She also writes an online column called ParentPop for ALIVE magazine and contributes to Girls Guide to the Galaxy.

Photo found here.

You’re out with friends having some cocktails and someone approaches you. Can you still get your flirt on or chit chat with the opposite sex if you’re married? Couples have varying attitudes on this topic so I’m eager to hear what you think. Take a few minutes to watch the video then weigh in. What IS appropriate behavior? What guidelines have worked for you and your honey? What’s backfired?  I also discuss what the ground rules are in my relationship.

I’d love to hear from you! So after you watch, please leave a comment as to what you think on the subject matter.

(You can tell by the production quality this is my first video post and I’m working with some very simple software so please be kind! I’m still working out the kinks.)

Photo found here.

Lisa Bertrand is the founder of STLFamilyLife and the channel manager for the ‘Love in the ‘Lou as well as “Launch in the ‘Lou.” She can be reached @LisaOnTheLoose on Twitter or emailed at mother of bun at gmail dot com.

Last week you read about Mary‘s experience with an abusive boyfriend. Sadly, she’s not alone. Many women and men intimately understand what it is like to suffer at the hands of a domestic partner. Last week I shared a few statistics in regards to how prevalent domestic violence is within our society. For information about the signs of abuse and what behavior is considered abusive, please see this link. Today we’re discussing the four different forms of abuse and who is at most risk.

Usually when people think of domestic abuse, they visualize one person assaulting their spouse or romantic partner. This type of scene is considered physical abuse. Physical abuse is defined as a circumstance where a domestic partner uses bodily force against someone that injures or endangers that person. Police have the legal power and authority to protect victims from physical attack if the victim reports the attack. (Although depending on the tenacity of an abuser, some victims find the the law offers a limited protection.)

If a victim is forced to participate in an unsafe or degrading sexual activity, that action is considered sexual abuse. Even if a victim has had consensual sex with this partner in the past, a forced sexual encounter is still considered abuse.

*Tricia, a mom in Wildwood, spent a number of years in a marriage rife with sexual abuse.

“In our early years of being married, my husband would come home from a boy’s night out very drunk,” she says. “He would wake me up at 4 in the morning and expect sex. It didn’t matter if I was tired, sick or if I was up all night with one of our children.”

Tricia says she didn’t realize this was rape.

“I thought rape was something very different,” she says. “He forced himself on me a day before I went to the doctor for my six-week check-up after having our second child. I originally told him ‘no’. As a result he was much rougher that time because I made him angry. The doctor examined me and asked me questions. I finally admitted what happened. He told me there was some considerable trauma to my vaginal area. He asked if I planned to exit the marriage. Only, I couldn’t leave at the time.”

Forcing one’s self on another is rape, pure and simple. No means “no!” As an aside, studies show victims who are physically and sexually abused in tandem are at a much higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

A victim doesn’t have to be sporting bruises or a busted lip in order suffer from abuse.

“The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence,” notes the website HelpGuide.org.  “If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.”

The last type of abuse is a form of emotional abuse. Economic or financial abuse results when a partner uses money to control his/her victim. Economic or financial abuse includes actions like withholding basic resources like medicine, shelter, food, or sabotaging your job, stealing from you, taking your funds, or rigidly controlling your finances.

Who’s most at risk for these types of abuse? According to New Choice, people who have a lower annual income (below $25K) have a three times higher risk of intimate partner violence than people with higher annual income (over $50K).* On average urban residents experience the highest level of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Residents in suburban and rural areas were equally likely to experience such violence, about 20% less than those in urban areas.

If you find yourself a victim of domestic violence, seek help! According to Domestic Violence Resource Center, studies show that access to shelter services leads to a 60-70% reduction in incidence and severity of re-assault during the 3-12 months’ follow up period compared to women who did not access shelter. Over time, domestic violence can increase in frequency and intensity. “On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day,” according to the site.

There are a number of safehouses within the area for victims and their children. (Many emergency shelters have an age limit on the children a parent can bring which makes leaving that much more difficult. However, several organizations within the St. Louis area do not place an age limit on children.) Here are a few that can help:

Lydia’s House
314-771-4411

The Women’s Safe House
(This one can accommodate male children ages 12-17. )
314-772-4535

Alternatives to Living In Violent Environments (This shelter can also accommodate male children ages 12-17) Phone: 314-993-7080
Hotline/Crisis: 314-993-2777
Phone: 636-583-9863 (Franklin County)
Hotline/Crisis: 636-583-5700 (Franklin County)
800-941-9144 (Franklin County)

Violence Prevention Center of Southwestern Illinois Belleville, IL
Phone: (618) 236-2531 and (618) 236-2531

By Meg Fullenkamp

As my wedding nears, and showers and parties are quickly approaching, there is one thing I am dreading: thank you notes.

Thank you notes are a time honored tradition. And for good reason, you should thank people who have taken time and money to help celebrate your day and get your marriage off to a good start.

But with over 300 people invited to our wedding, the thought of writing all those thank you notes is quite a daunting task. Being a guest at a fair amount of weddings over the years, I have noticed extremely different approaches to thank you notes.

One time, when I shipped a gift ahead of time, I received my thank you note before the big day. Another wedding, I am still waiting three years later for my thank you (not holding my breath.) And currently, there is a wedding we attended 9 months ago that we still have not received a thank you note. My coworker completed all her thank you notes within 2 weeks of the big day. And with all this experience I have heard anything from six months to a year as being the latest you can send out the notes.

As a natural procrastinator when it comes to things like this (and I am bad about thank you notes in general), I knew I needed a kick in the butt or I would be one of those people that waits and waits and waits. So I wondered, what is the appropriate thank you note etiquette? And even once you take etiquette into account, what do people REALLY think is an appropriate timeline for thank you notes?

As a note: I am in NO way saying I know anything about etiquette. I am sure I have made my fair share of etiquette faux pas along the way. Which is why I wanted more information about this topic.

The Emily Post institute features a guide to wedding thank you notes. And the one year or six month rumors are smashed by the etiquette master. “Contrary to popular myth, the happy couple does not have a year’s grace period. All thank you notes should be written within three months of the receipt of the gift.”

The Knot, considered by some to be the online authority on wedding planning, doesn’t even have a timeline listed on their site (at least not prominently in their complete thank you note guide.) However, there are sometimes regional rules that dictate etiquette on things like this. So this could explain the site’s reluctance to address the subject.

So I turned to Facebook and Twitter to ask people in the area about their take on the thank you note timeline. And people definitely have an opinion when it comes to this topic.

Most people tend to agree that the most appropriate time to send thank you notes is between 6 weeks and 3-4 months after the wedding. Six months is an ok time but all thank you notes should go out at least within 12 months.

@lisaderus echoed this sentiment. “3 months would be A+. Ideally within 6 months, but within 12 months is fine. Past 12 months would be weird.”

@RedbirdsBroad expects thank you notes within 2-3 months of the date of the wedding.

From a male perspective @pnovara said “I’d vote six weeks, but I’m a dude that’s not married, so what do I know?”

At some point, your notes start feeling late and guests will stop expecting them to come.

“I felt guilty for not getting mine out until six weeks later and IMO they are ‘late’ after 3 months. I internally judge people up to six months and then I give up,” said Allie May Briley.

Others agreed on Twitter that after waiting for a year for a thank you note, most assume it is no longer going to ever come.

Planned a wedding and past the suggested timeline…better late than never is the rule. It may seem rude to send them after a long time, but experts on theknot.com suggest addressing the tardiness directly within the note and your guests will still appreciate getting the thank you even if it is late.

As for tips on how to get those dreaded thank you notes finished, advice wavered between spreading them out and doing one long marathon session.

@MegHoulihan sent her thank you notes within two months by bringing them to work and doing 5-6 a day on her lunch break.

@stlsmallbiz tried to spread them out and learned that for her, that didn’t work. “We planned to do a little each night– but that didn’t happen. We ended up doing ours all in one day. I say just pick and date and do them all at once instead of doing them here and there.”

Another tip I picked up is that our elders expect them sooner than the rest of your guests, so write grandma’s thank you note first!

My plan is to write them before the big day for any gifts that are received before the wedding (if I have time) and then mailing them after we get back from our honeymoon. Then I am giving myself the goal of completing the remaining notes within 6 weeks and having 3 months as a firm deadline.

So what is your opinion? How soon should they go out? And how late is too late? Any other thank you note pitfalls to avoid?  Plus, any tips on how to make this task not so daunting would be greatly appreciated.

Image Credit: blogs.washburnlaw.edu

Meg is currently juggling planning a wedding, fixing up her new/old house in south county, playing with her attention loving dog Cody and working as the PR Director for Captiva Marketing. You can find her on twitter @megfullenkamp