By Bonnie Krueger

When my son Adam’s hamster Little Dude died recently, my heart broke along with his. There was nothing I could do to take away his pain. As a parent, I desperately want to protect my children from the emotional gunk of life. After Little Dude had celebrated his first birthday, I gently reminded Adam that the odds were that he would not live to see another one. Good or bad, hamster life spans are short—averaging two years or less.

Still, when Adam found him lifeless in his cage, my son was devastated. Fortunately, I was surprising my kids later that day by the arrival of a friend’s dog. We were pet-sitting for the week and I had decided to make Bandit’s arrival a surprise. We had watched him earlier in the year, too, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed him. It was the perfect distraction from the sadness Adam was feeling.

As I walked through the early stages of Adam’s grief this summer, I reflected back on my own grieving process when my mom passed away. Grief was not an emotion I was entirely comfortable dealing with.

Despite losing all my grand parents and various other relatives, it was not something I had ever experienced with such intensity as losing a parent. I was fortunate that my parents lived near-by and I talked with her on the phone and saw her in person often. Yet, after her pancreatic cancer diagnosis, there was sadness with each visit or conversation.

My mom was experiencing her own grief and coming to terms with the terminal diagnosis. She wanted to survive….she wanted to see her 5 grandchildren grow into adulthood and enjoy the golden years with her husband of 45 years. My mom grappled with why God was allowing her to experience such a painful and horrible end. She felt like she had suffered enough as a child. This was supposed to be her time to enjoy life. She did not want her family to watch her die.

There was a lot of sadness for me, too, in her final months—reminders of a life that was going to be lived without her in it. I thought that having a chance to say goodbye and prepare for her to die would make my pain less. I was wrong.

After she died, what surprised me the most was how alone I felt in my grief.  Not that my friends and family did not understand what I was feeling, but rather, few people rallied behind me to proactively provide a listening ear and be strong when I was feeling weak. Despite having a large group of girl friends who had lost their mother, only a few regularly checked in on me and supported me. And it was only my best friend of 20 years who rallied behind me on a daily basis.

It was because of the aloneness I felt that I turned to a self-help book by Hope Edelman “Motherless Daughters” that really helped me work through the emotions I was feeling. Out of the book, there have been dozens of support groups created throughout the United States, including one in St. Louis.

Having an intimate group of women in various stages of life to turn to has been invaluable. They span every age group and life experience—some having lost their mothers as a young child, and others, well into their adulthood like me. While I rarely attend the meetings now, there is comfort in knowing that the group is there if I need them.  

Still, it is through writing that I have found my greatest healing.  As a family genealogist, capturing who my mother was on paper has provided the most comfort to me. One of my greatest regrets is that my daughter, who was only 2 ½ when my mom died, will never know her grandma on a personal level. Even my son, who was 7 at the time, has only faint and distant memories of his grandma.  Capturing her personality and life story on paper is truly priceless to me—and sharing her memory beyond my circle of friends is a privilege.

On the cusp of my son’s grief is my own heightened sense of loss as the three year anniversary of my mom’s death is approaching. Perhaps this anniversary is one that will always bring me pain and the heightened feelings of missing her —or perhaps it is one that will fade with time. Grief is personal and unpredictable.  What I have found is that it’s not the big reminders of her that are difficult—it’s the unexpected reminders like a song at church, or her favorite flower sitting in a friend’s vase. It is simply a fact of life.

Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that grief is a process of ups and downs. Grief is not something to ‘overcome’, but rather to learn to deal with when those feelings are overwhelming, as they will be time and time again.

Bonnie Krueger is a mom living in West County. In 2009, she began her first blog Inside My Head found at http://bonsbrain.blogspot.com/ . She began a second blog devoted solely to the memory and unique story of her mom– Heart Speaks found at http://bonsheart.blogspot.com/.

Photo found at www.Disciplestoday.org.

Posts Like This

• Miscarriage – Finding the Right Words

J. is quiet and laid back. Seth is loud and defintely a “Type A kind” of kid. J. is the ying to Seth’s yang. While their personalities are different, they are both sensitive little souls who bonded early over shared interests like most best friends do. And over the years as their love for Matchbox cars has evolved into a passion for Star Wars and Legos, their friendship has remained as strong as ever.

I always looked at this friendship as a good thing, that his connection with J. was something that enriched the lives of both boys. But apparently some pyschologists and educators are beginning to question whether kids should have best friendships. Some say having having a best friend hinders a child’s emotional growth.

“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,” said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,” she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.”

This last quote made me think, “Whu?” But there’s a reason behind this line of thought. According to an article on this issue by the New York Times, the reasoning behind such a perspective stems from the bullying issue.  The bonds of best buds  “signals potential trouble for school officials intent on discouraging anything that hints of exclusivity, in part because of concerns about cliques and bullying.”

If a child has one friend and refuses to socialize with others and won’t let the best friend have other friends, I can see the point of concern. But that’s not the case with Seth and J. They’ve always been in seperate classrooms (expect for preschool) and have friends within their classroom but enjoy meeting up at recess. They both have other friends they are very close to outside of school. They know each other’s friends. But there’s no jealousy there. They don’t question each other’s loyalty to the other. They know they can rely on each other.

According to an article in the New York Times, there are some psychologists who believe that “close childhood friendships not only increase a child’s self-esteem and confidence, but also help children develop the skills for healthy adult relationships — everything from empathy, the ability to listen and console, to the process of arguing and making up.”

These experts are raise an interesting point noting that adults shouldn’t intervene in these friendships.

“If children’s friendships are choreographed and sanitized by adults, the argument goes, how is a child to prepare emotionally for both the affection and rejection likely to come later in life?”

I agree. Adulthood is a difficult enough transition for most people. If we jump into our kids’ friendships, especially when nothing seems to be wrong, are we really helping them?

Anyone else want to share a thought? Feel free to do so!

Posts Like This

• One Blended Family, Please. Shaken, Not Stirred. (Part 1)
• Secrets in STL
• St. Louis Mom Musings: Owning It
• Teaching Children Responsibility
• Cool “Camping” Activity For Kids

A week ago some girlfriends and I set out to celebrate new starts and life journeys. It got me thinking about how important (and necessary) my friends are to me. Of course rich, rewarding friendships are important to many a woman. And they’re healthy for us too. In fact, a study at Harvard found that social ties help maintain brain function in old age.

Personally, I think those friendships keep our brains healthy because our girlfriends are the people who keep us sane when men or children drive us crazy. Dear friend Dana, from Ballwin MO, thinks I might be on to something.

“I would be a basketcase without friends,” she writes. “My friends are so important to me because I can count on them for anything from the stupidest thing to the scariest thing.  They always try to help me escape the horrors of the problems and make things better. Friends can be like a mini vacation away from all the crazy things going on.”

Getting together with good friends is good for the body as well - a University of Michigan study has identified that feeling emotionally close to a friend increases levels of the hormone progesterone, which helps to boost well-being and reduce anxiety and stress. 

Michelle S of Aviston, IL and I were talking recently about the benefits of long term friendships. (We’ve been friends since freshman year of high school. She’s known a few of the girls within our group even longer than I have.) She was quickly able to list a number of benefits that mean the most to her.

“My friends remember things I may have forgotten. To get together and reminisce, reminds me of one of the great times in my life. It doesn’t matter what kind of clothes I wear or what kind of car I drive, they like me anyway. Since I don’t have a sister, my girlfriends are my ‘sisters’,” she says.

Melissa H. from Beckemeyer, IL thinks friendship, especially long-running ones, can help us tap into the women we used to be.

“Over time we morph into “chelsea’s mom or Bill’s wife” and we lose who we are a little.  We have to wear so many hats these days.  Being with friends reminds us of when we were the most important people in our world. We were permitted to be a little self centered.  Which we aren’t permitted to do as mom’s and wives.  There is always someone else’s needs that we put in front of our own.  It’s nice to be that carefree spirit that we were when the relationships were established.”

Melissa looks to her girlfriends for inspiration on parenting, marriage and life lessons.

“I think it definitely helps having input from your friends,” she says.  

Michelle does as well. And often, when grappling with a relationship, career or parenting issue, it helps women to realize no one’s life is perfect.

“My girlfriends make me realize, I’m not alone in the challenges of life, they go through the same things and they come out ok, so I know I can too,” she notes. “Their kids do the same stupid things mine do… I guess they really are normal.”

 Rebecca J. of St. Charles, MO agrees, chiming in, “When you get together with friends (and I don’t do enough of this), you share issues related to your significant other, children, work or whatever.  It usually turns out that a friend is dealing with something similar, and that makes you feel better.  There’s also usually laughing involved, and when isn’t that helpful?”

There have been many a times my girlfriends and I have talked about how we plan to grow old together. Maybe even hang out Golden Girls style.

Apparently we aren’t the first to think along those lines. A new trend has emerged among aging Baby Boomer gal pals—moving in, as spouses pass away (or never materialize) or divorce occurs or with an eye towards growing old together. It makes sense financially and emotionally. As we age, our social networks become smaller. Yet we still crave a feeling of connection and enjoy conversation.

In other words, children grow up and move away. Romantic relationships come and go. But nuture those female friendships now. You’ll always be glad you did.

And for those hopping to celebrate their friendships with a Girls’ Night Out? Girls Guide to the Galaxy has some great ideas! 

Photo from Fitnessguideservice.com

Posts Like This

• A Mom Is Born: Let’s Celebrate!
• Study finds ADHD kids stress Marriage, No duh!
• St.L Couple Creates NUYU Site
• How To Keep Kids Healthy During The School Year
• St. Louis Mom Musings: Owning It

A generation (or more) ago, an “imaginary friend” was seen as a negative by the likes of childcare experts like Dr. Spock. Dr. Spock’s stance was that these kids were lonely and more likely to have social issues. He blamed parents and told them the “cure” was more attention and hugs. You know, as if parents don’t have enough guilt.

But research in more recent years has determined that having these sorts of friends when a child is younger is completely fine. In fact, these friends can be a big benefit.

For some kids, imaginary friends help children coping with a life changing events. (Years ago when I got a new little brother, I also gained my own imaginary friend named Hodgi. He even wore a turban. ) For others, these friends help them master new skills. And yet for a plethora of other little ones, “pretend friends or creatures are simply fun. Whatever purpose they serve and whatever form they take, fantasy friends indicate a fertile imagination,” according to Psychology Today.

In fact, according to psychologist, Dr. Evan Kidd at Melbourne’s La Trobe University, who studied children aged three years to six, “children with imaginary friends are better at learning to communicate than other children because they have a lot of practice at inventing interactions with their friends, which helps them improve their conversational skills.”

In these conversational scenarios, kids have the opportunity to practice both sides of the conversation. They control the course of the exchange and can think up different ideas – sort of like a test lab for communication.

When or if you find yourself in the midst of such “company”?Susan Newman a social physchologist has a few pointers.

“Allow your child to decide how much you can engage in his or her fantasy. Respect your child’s space and let her take the lead. If the ‘friend’ often rides in the family car, don’t ask if she’s joining you today; wait to be told,” she notes. ”Once given the okay by your child, it’s fine to talk to or about the imaginary friend, but it’s is important for children to remain in control of the fantasy. Interfering too much can cause friction, anger or power struggles.”

If your child blames the imaginary friend for bad behavior, “don’t go along with this ploy,” Susan advises. ”Instead, try to get your child to take ownership without bringing the imaginary friend into the conflict. If the child is relentless, suggest that both of them apologize, clean up, go to your room… If your child acts out in destructive ways through an imaginary friend too often, consider consulting a mental health professional.”

Jackson only stuck around for a few months. Sometimes Jackson “misbehaved”. Seth would tattle on him and tell me I should enforce time-out for Jackson. Jackson did share a few dinners with us. But mostly, he just ate alot of cookies.

One day Seth met a new friend. Jack lived in our neighborhood, had a cool swingset, a clubhouse and plenty of Thomas the Tank trains. Did I mention Jack is real? Jackson inexplicably disappeared. Seth and Jack have been friends ever since.

Posts Like This

• St. Louis Mom Musings: Owning It
• One Blended Family, Please. Shaken, Not Stirred. (Part 1)
• Teaching Children Responsibility
• Do Kids Need A Best Friend?
• Left Behind: When A Parent Commits Suicide

You’ve just learned of your friend’s miscarriage. Your heart aches for her. You struggle to convey a message of comfort and support. But you might not know what to say.

No matter how much time has elapsed, a miscarriage is a loss and an experience no woman forgets.

“I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. It was devastating. I felt like you spend so much time TRYING NOT TO HAVE KIDS that when you are ready, and nature throws you a curve, you feel like something’s wrong with you,” says Lynn Zipfel Venhaus of Belleville, Ill.

Since many people don’t know what to say, some simply avoid addressing the issue. For some women, this is helpful. For others, hurtful.  

Lisa Breen of Ballwin, Mo miscarried three years ago. She thinks how you acknowledge the issue (or not) differs by individual.

“I think the mystery around what to say is really dependent on the needs of the individual person. I am not a private person, so I was ok with people knowing about it or talking about it. So for me it was strange when people did not acknowledge it. A simple, ‘sorry to hear about your loss’ would have sufficed. However, I have known some girls who do not want to discuss it at all,” she says.

I’ve had two miscarriages in the past 8 years. (I wrote about it here.)  From personal experience, I hated hearing, “It’s God’s will.” You never know what a person’s religious convictions are. Plus, the message can come across off-handed or if someone’s trying to glide over the woman’s pain. Another well-meaning message that falls flat? “Well it’s for the best. The baby must not have been very healthy.” That implies no one would want a baby that isn’t perfect. Plus, it doesn’t make the loss any easier to bare.

Stacey a mother in Illinois, heard these sentiments too. “The worst was ‘You just have to move on. There’s always a reason when this happens’ and ‘It’ll happen.’

So the right thing to often say? In most cases, the message is simple. “I’m thinking of you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

For many women, it helps to hear from others who have been through the same heartbreak.

“I wanted to talk to others who had been through it, I liked the comfort of someone else knowing what I went through. I wish those people would have come forward when it happened. One friend did and I was very grateful,”  Lisa Breen adds.

Stacey agrees, “The people who were honest and offered advice after actually going through this were the best. They said it sucked and it was the worst thing that has EVER happened. They are exactly right!”

Have you been through a miscarriage. What words comforted you?

Posts Like This

• How To Keep Kids Healthy During The School Year
• Motherless Daughter – A St. Louis Mom’s Journey Through Grief
• Disney on Ice Presents Princess Classics Next Weekend
• St. Louis Mom Musings: Owning It
• One Blended Family, Please. Shaken Not Stirred (Part 2)

When many a mom hears this, especially if she’s got more than two, a comment is often made along the lines of “I guess it’s really quiet at your house.” My answer? “Sometimes.”

I work from home. Many a day after school, as well as Saturday or Sunday, Seth often finds our house a bit too peaceful for his tastes. He’s a man of action. And noise.

“Mom, can I have someone over?” he’ll ask.

 To which I often reply “Sure.”

It isn’t uncommon to find three or four kids over at a time. Most days we’ve got at least one extra child over four days out of the work week. We live in a neighborhood filled with kids. And usually as one might be leaving to eat dinner at home, another one’s finished with homework and walking over. So at times, he’s had three to five different kids over in one day. When we go out to eat, go to a movie or museum, we’ve often got an extra kid in tow. In the summer, if we go to the pool or park? We’ve always got at least one other accompanying kid.

Even over Thanksgiving, my son enjoyed (immensely, might I add) a three-day playdate with his beloved cousin Sophie. She’s an only child too, and just as social as Seth. If the whole extended family went somewhere, Sophie would drive with us or Seth would drive with her and her parents. He was in heaven.

We basically have an open door policy when it comes to playdates. Who ever shows up is whom the boy plays with. Sometimes I’ll call or text a friend to arrange a playdate but often I don’t have to — within minutes there’s usually at least one child knocking on the door asking Seth if he can play.

“Our house is a party house,” my hubby likes to say. For the kids anyway.  It is alot of fun to have a bunch of kids over, catching snippets of their conversations, laughing over their antics, and even at times removing splinters or bandaging scraped knees.

Seth doesn’t have siblings but he has learned the art of give/take. He’s known most of these kids since he was a preschooler. He knows their parents, siblings, and in many cases, even extended family members. He enjoys a sense of history and community with these kids. He’s making some wonderful memories and learning that friendships, if tended to properly, can grow into “family” too.

Posts Like This

• (The Importance of) Bonding With Baby
• When Spouses Travel
• Software Helps Kids Strengthen Social Skills
• Puff The Magic Parent: St. Louis Parents and Pot
• Secrets in STL

(Yes, I don’t know what she was thinking either. But she’s a pretty brave woman, wouldn’t you say?)

She managed to get through those crazy years but it didn’t seem to get easier for her. My poor mother must have felt a bit ripped off when my little brother transitioned out of diapers. Little did she know she was trading a diaper-free existence for at least 10 long years of refereeing her children’s arguments. Oy!

In fact, sometimes I think the biggest reason she went back to work wasn’t so much for the paycheck as it was to interact with other adults, enjoy a quiet 30-minute lunch break, and give her voice a rest. She knew that as soon as she got home, endless screaming matches would quickly ensue if, God forbid, two children happened to be in a particular room at one time.

Looking back on all of those years, I realize our behavior was a result of a vicious circle. All three of us were instigators. We loved to aggravate each other. And we were always vying to be “the golden child.” If one child perceived another to get extra attention or love? Resentment would build. There was always some sort of retaliation and well, the cycle would start all over.

By the time I was half way through high school, my siblings and I had figured out how to fight sneaky – and away from the gaze of mom and dad. By the time I was in college (I lived at home through those four years) an unspoken truce of sorts had developed. We all just stayed out of each other’s way for the most part. This worked, inciting only the occasional kerfluffle.

Little did my mom know, that when my sister and I left the nest, she’d finally get a chance to regain her sanity. With the two of us gone, she had only my much neater and good-natured brother to deal with. For the first time in her life as a mother, she finally took up a hobby.

I “flew the coop” back in 1995. And over the years, I rediscovered my siblings. At first we bonded by laughing about our parents’ oddities, sayings and reactions. Now, as adults, I’m very close to my siblings. We have become close friends and confidants. I don’t just love them, I LIKE who they are. I enjoy spending time with them. They are a blast to hang out with. (And lucky for us, they chose wonderful spouses too!) I know they’ve always got my back. And I’d like to think they feel the same way about me.

My parents see this closeness and are thrilled and thankful. I’m pretty sure that they worried we’d never be close. (Especially that time I kicked my little really hard brother in the nuts when he said something that angered me. Sorry Matt! I’m sure that hurt.)

Years ago, I told my brother, “You know? I like you so much better now that I don’t have to live with you.” He laughed and said, “Yup. I know what you mean, Lisa. I feel the same way.”

Posts Like This

• When “Only” Isn’t “Lonely”